How I learnt about Self Love and Healing

“No such thing as a life that’s better than yours.”

• Jermaine Lamarr Cole

I made myself this delicious plate of fruits and chocolates as I was writing, and I thought to myself – I love my life. Better yet, I love myself!

Self-love.

We hear about it everywhere we go. It is the new order of day. Everyone is talking about it – the preachers, the motivational speakers, the poets, the musicians, your parents and everyone around you. ‘Love yourself’, ‘Love your life’. There is so much positive talk. I wish I were you growing up in this day. You are so lucky I wish you knew.

As you get older, at the very least I want you to be able to say you love you. I needed it. I have met so many people beyond 20, at times even 30, that are still broken – that never learnt how to heal in their younger life or sometime before that.

As we talk about loving ourselves, it is only right that we start with a few motivational quotes to set the tone, am I right?

“Darling it isn’t selfish to remember yourself.”

• Karen Owusu

“Do not forget to fall in love with yourself first”

• Carrie Bradshaw

“It is not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself and to make yourself a priority. It is necessary.”

• Mandy Hale

“I am working on myself, for myself, by myself.”

• Unknown

“It is not your job to like me. It is mine.”

• Byron katie

“Love yourself enough to take the actions required for your happiness. Love yourself enough to cut yourself loose from the ties of a drama-filled past. Love yourself enough to move on.”

• Steve Marabolli

I could go on. I probably should. You see I do not think there can ever be enough said about self-love. Every time I hear someone preach about loving themselves, even when it makes me very uncomfortable, I am silently, at times loudly, in the background cheering “Yaaas!”

Self-Love and the Human Problem

Watching someone go through the process of self-love itself is unnerving. It is at the same time uncomfortable and yet comforting watching them accepting things about themselves they were uncomfortable with.

Most people are afraid to be themselves, for fear of being judged by society. They try so hard to fit into what society says we as humans should be. You find so many people conforming to behavioral, religion, dressing, beauty and so many more standards – simply because society says it should be so. What this entails is that you become less and less of your most authentic self. For most people, this puts a lot of pressure on them and sometimes makes them unhappy.

Self-acceptance is saying “With all due respect, my body, my behavior, my beliefs, my face, my flaws – my way of doing thing is perfectly fine, without any influence of yours”. This in itself is a form of rebellion and will obviously lead to some sense of rejection by some people.

If the process one goes through is very thorough, they will most likely be dealing with personal issues that make both them and you (society) uncomfortable. I remember all the stages I went through when I was accepting myself. It involved being alright with wearing pants and shorter skirts and saying “my bowlegs are okay”. I most times stood up for my own opinions and beliefs, while at the same time trying to hold the highest respect for other people’s views. It involved me accepting a lot of aspects of my life that I once was insecure about for fear of being judged.

The more you accept yourself, the more you begin to honor the principle of “agreeing to disagree”. You get in a space where you can accept that we don’t always have to be right in the perception of others, and that it is perfectly fine to differ in opinions without needing to argue.

Society puts so much pressure on what and how we should be – and it takes time to re-establish yourself and say “No, I am okay the way that I am.” Such issues normally bear on societal expectations and as such are normally done as a way of coming out to society. As a bystander, you go through mixed feelings of pity, love and shame for the person. You also, at the same time, feel comfort, pride and respect for the person having so much courage to become their truest self.

I remember the first time I heard about self-love and I thought;

‘This means you have searched the whole world, you have looked everywhere for someone to love you, and you have failed to find anyone to love you; so much so that now, you must just love yourself.’

The idea of a person loving themselves did not sit very well with me at first. I did not want to believe I was unlovable. I wanted to believe I deserved love, love from an external source. I had not really taken time to think about what that really meant, I just wanted to believe I was worthy of someone else’s love.

Then I realized all the messages we had been preaching to all the people we claim to love – ‘have a higher self-esteem’, ‘be confident in yourself’, ‘accept your flaws’ and more, were all saying one thing – love yourself just a little more. We go on quests looking for people to accept us, people to tell us we are good enough, people to accept our flaws. This is not our fault. From the day we were born, we have been given validation left, right and center. From the time we were babies – children, when we achieved something, people applauded us. From the first words we uttered, and the first steps we took to your very University graduation day and maybe even our wedding day – there have been and will be claps all around us. Every little thing we did had to have a reciprocal action. Something as simple as finally being able to grab something as a baby, learning how to sit, crawl, stand, walk, and more was always applauded by our parents. They are not at fault. They were proud, and they had every right to be. Equally, when we failed to achieve something, we saw the faces of disapproval and disappointment. We did not like that feeling and as such worked hard to make sure we got the applause. We grew up with that mentality and went into the world searching for the same validation – only now it was not as simple as just achieving something to get the applause. People were less kind. You see, unlike our parents, these people did not naturally love us. These people did not “own” us. We had to win them over first, earn their love, and earn their validation so they too can cheer for us. We searched for validation everywhere and yet we forgot about the validation and love we required most – our own. When you can truly applaud yourself, show up for you, be there for you and truly be content with that, outward validation becomes only an option and no longer a need. We survive fine, have high self-esteem, confidence and in all – we love ourselves.

Self-Love Defined

Self-love as defined by Dr. Deborah Khoshaka is “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth”. She goes further to say, when we act in ways that expand self-love in us, we begin to accept much  better our weaknesses as well as our strengths, having less need to explain away our short-comings, have compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centered in our life purpose and values, and expect living fulfillment through our own efforts.

Self-love is important to living well. It influences who you pick for a mate, the image you project at work, and how you cope with the problems in your life. It is so important to your welfare that I want you to know how to bring more of it into your life.

We need self-love like we need the air we breathe, the food we eat, everything we do daily in order to survive. It should always be a priority to love yourself, never an option. The more you love yourself, the more you are able to give the same abundance of love to those around you.

I remember the first time I experienced self-love. I had a reached a low I had not yet been in my life (we will talk about that a little later). My friend had noticed how low I had been and she decided to drag me to church with her. I remember hearing all those songs about how God sees us. I was 15, completely crushed and on my knees. It was in that moment that for the first time in my life, I came to terms with myself. It was in that moment I did not need anybody’s validation but my own.

It may have been because I was in a church, the thought of a greater power that could not forsake me when everybody else had, that I realized I was the only difference I needed. I recall crying my heart out in that moment, and I did not care who was watching. I prayed and I cried. I think as humans we underestimate the power of tears. I have cried a lot in my life, and I trust in tears more than most. I believe tears are a way to release pain, and I believe pain released is better than pain contained.

“Cry,

Let that water go.

You were drowning.”

• Upile Chisala, Poet

I remember how they looked at me, as the pain left my body, the pain they had put inside me. I remember their faces, the pity, the love and the shame. I remember their apologies that followed. It was all a day too late, because this moment was about me. I had accepted me, no one else’s validation mattered. This of course did not mean that I was now iron to people’s opinions of me, but that their opinions came second to mine. I was miles away from knowing what that journey would have for me; I know that was the day I took the first step.

How did you first learn to love yourself? I hope you find love within you.

All my love,

Ntha