Love & Depression | Finding My Centre

I haven’t had a depressive episode in a whole year.

I don’t often talk about my journey with depression. To be very honest – I don’t know how to. I have spent the past three years unpacking two+ decades of hurt. I am still unwrapping and processing so many layers to hurt, and I don’t yet know how to express it.

At best, I can tell you about how love saved, and continues to save me. It wasn’t a day’s work, nor that I needed another to save me. Hopefully I will gather someday the courage to talk about the foundation of my pain – but my breaking point was thinking no one would ever see me as I see me. I was near suicidal when love found me.

That’s what love gave me – it gave me a friend who sees me exactly as I see me. Perhaps even sees me better than I see me. A small gesture, that affirms me plenty, and the consistency of which has helped me find my centre, and heal in ways unimaginable. Love gave me a friend who is humble, kind and gentle. Love gave me a friend who has consistently helped me create a home in myself.

What surviving and beating depression looks like

I can’t quite speak of who I am, without mentioning him. He has been everything in this journey, and is the whole reason I am who I am. He’s my righthand man.

My career is progressing in ways I would never imagined, and for the most part, it’s simply because he takes the time to listen to me, really listen, and help me discover my greatest self. The ways in which my media brand is growing is because he is there to listen. Simply that – listening, and asking all the right questions. I couldn’t wish for a better friend.

I could gush forever about the Godsend that is my man – I likely will, but I’ll save you the trouble right now and just let you know I am doing better than I have in my whole life. For the first time, I can tell you wholeheartedly that I do love living.

I disappear often. I take a lot of time to take care of me. I do that a lot. I need it. It works for me.

The last time I shared on #LifeCurrently, I expressed how I am done explaining my life choices and decisions to anyone. I intend to keep my word on that, but I can still share with you what I am enjoying doing. I promise no consistency, and you may not hear from me for another year (let’s hope not), but I will keep trying.

Here is some effort, and an update on what I am recently up to:

Planning: The launch of my media company, my foundation, my collective, and all our media products. It’s been such a wild year, and I still can’t believe I am up to this much.

Making: Time to take care of myself, and my man.

Creating: 7 media products! Everything I am creating is in the multiple of 7s, and oh dear it is a lot of work.

Eating: Honestly, whatever babe decides we are eating. I suck at making decisions on food, so he makes most of those decisions.

Drinking: Whiskey! Oh heey! I’m shook too. Mba says women who drink whiskey are known serial killers LOL! But I really can’t stand ciders anymore, and not every bar makes cocktails in Malawi. Two shots of Glenfiddich 15, 2 shots of lime, a good amount of ice, thank me later!

Reading: Nothing. Yhu.Ha.a. I do not have the time to create and consume. One thing at a time.

Currently Reading: Again I say, not one thing. Well besides the news, trying to follow up on the Corona Virus.

Writing: A spoken word collection. I am taking my time with this, but it is such a good collection of my notes to self. I cannot wait for you to read it.

Playing: with my car. I really enjoy driving that girl. What a magnificent being.

Wanting: to finish creating these products, so you and I can get to experience them. They are all very intentional, and hopefully impactful.

Needing: A full media team! I needed this in November of 2018, and I still do today. I will be hiring and accepting volunteers soon, and I am excited about that.

Regretting: Allowing negative energy to invade my space.

Wishing: It was 5 years from now, and I am standing in the Nthanda Foundation compound (offices).

Enjoying: A lot of silent times. I am really spending much time alone, and I love it.

Loving: D. Always always him.

Following: Sarah Langa. There is so much drama around her personal life lately, and I am really within! Love that she is still holding up.

Thinking: of sponsors for my brands, and writing plenty proposals.

Overthinking: Unemployment(/retirement). Literally salivating at the concept.

Admiring: Serwaa Amihere. What a happy looking lady.

Opening: up my spaces to creatives who wish to be trained by me.

Listening to: Emeli Sande’s “Real Life” album. Yasas! What a voice! What a poet!

Watching: Queen Sono! Well I just finished. Totally loved it! And Love is Blind! What a mad show?

Grateful for: Need I say? Of course – love, and the lover.