I am feeling anxious this evening and I had to force myself to write about my anxiety today. It is particularly hard writing about anxiety as it happens because my immediate reflex when I get anxious is to shut down and sleep it off.
I am currently on vacation so it makes no sense to be getting anxiety attacks, yet here I am.
I saw a friend post about why everyone seems to be depressed these days. He talked about how we need to learn to be accountable for our lives and not be as entitled. I do admit, we are a very entitled generation and possibly can and should do better. But despite my thinking we should be accountable for our own lives, I still acknowledge that we have only recently been introduced to mental health issues and that it is only now that people can put a name to things and say “Aha! I feel that way”. I do not think the problems we are facing are in any way new or unique to us but that for the first time in possibly a long time, we are actually allowed to acknowledge the existence of our problems and call them by their names (black people have mental health problems too!)
Before I even proceed, I should tell you that I used to think people that talked about having mental health issues were just dramatic, attention seekers and simply weak-minded. It did not occur to me that I was carrying some mental health issues with me, myself. More importantly, it did not occur to me that I needed to acknowledge my sickness before I could begin to heal from it. So in a way this post is more than just about identifying as a mental health patient but even more so about taking a step further – and that is healing.
I have studied a lot (maybe a little too much) psychology in the past two years. It was only then that I diagnosed myself (and a few more people around me) with some mental health issues. First for me was depression – but that is a story for another day. Briefly, there are days when my life swallows me whole. I overthink every single thing and start to question what is even the point of life. But like I said, story for another day.
I started to notice my anxiety in my most recent relationship. I had not committed myself to any partner in almost a year. If you follow my blog you know I said I have the theory of healthy loving down but the practical was yet to test me – and it really has. My anxiety has and had nothing to do with him. Despite his faults (as we all have ours), he was by far the most amazing guy I have ever dated. This was the main reason I started to see faults in my character and health.
Briefly, anxiety feels like a massive amount of thoughts you cannot control. It is knowing you are freaking out about things that you definitely know you should not be freaking out about – but you cannot seem to stop. The worst part is, the triggers are not definite but they are usually strong forces. Your mind is allover the places and if you are like me you can get really sad about not having full control over a situation that you need no control over really.
From personal experience, I get most anxious about things dearest to me – particularly things I have no control over. Think things like my future, my education, my finances, my career plans, my love life, my family and so on. I could be extremely happy one moment and before you know it, I have completely shut down simply because I started thinking about one particular thing. And that is an example of what happened today. I have been having such a blast all week – and then I allowed myself to start thinking for a moment and before I knew it, I could not sleep and I was in a pool of tears.
I am not writing this to normalize mental illnesses (especially among the youth) but to bring to light that we actively have to be aware of our mental health issues and the triggers. Most importantly, we have to actively try to heal. I am constantly trying to heal from my anxiety. This particular healing has almost nothing to do with anyone else but ourselves. It is shifting the blame from “he/she or the universe needs to be better for me” to choosing to be better – to acknowledging that we can be better right now if we can change our line of thought.
I am a very hardworking individual (if I do say so myself) so I rarely get anxious about my future as I know one way or another, I will work hard enough to make it happen. See that part of my life I know I somehow can control. Finances, well not so much. If I start to get in debt, I will start to get anxious and I can barely get any work done. That is something I am still getting under control as I grow. The only trigger left in me is then my family/love life – because well that involves whole other individuals with whole other lives and views on life.
My anxiety in my previous relationship started out as me freaking about little things, but noting that all these things had nothing to do with anything my partner had done but rather memories of my past! Ahaa. There are scars from my past that are still healing (and he has done tremendously well keeping me steady). I thus freaked out when something reminded me of a tragic incident from the past. What most people normally call “Red Flags” could easily be triggers, but mostly because of how past events have turned out. “What if he leaves?” but it was not him who left. “what if he is lying?” but he has not lied to you. “Is he ignoring me?” but perhaps he is just busy with his life… and so much more. Things other people did that define how I react to events. I then have to constantly remind myself that my past does not define my present and should not affect my future.
Dealing with anxiety is tough, and I can only imagine the hell of dealing with an anxious partner. I will write a post (someday, hopefully soon) on how I cope with my anxiety in detail.
Today I just wrote this to let you know that it is okay not to be okay.
I hope with all my heart that you allow yourself to be. You are a beautiful soul. You are a good person. You are trying really hard every day and you are achieving more than you give yourself credit for.
I hope you are fully aware of how you are. I hope you pay close attention to your mind, to your heart and to your soul. I hope you are patient with each of them. And I hope you are constantly trying to be better.
Again I say, it’s okay not to be okay.
Sending lots of hugs and warmth
All my love,
Ntha x
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