Stripped | Life Currently {12) - By Nthanda Manduwi

I’ve been gone for a while.

I’ve been a little busy trying to see about me. I’ve been tired – exhausted.

I’ve been overworking – getting less hours of sleep at night, trying to turn my dreams to reality. We are getting there, slower than I would prefer but faster than before – so you can call that progress.

I’ve gained some weight – and I’m very happy with my woman body. My hips are a little wider, and so is my tummy. I’m processing the fact that I am growing up.

I freak out every time someone says I am 23.

I know, I’m still young. I’m doing fine, perhaps better than most.

I did publish my first book after all. I am still working on my other books and I know that come what may, I will always be a writer… so I guess you can say I found my purpose – storytelling.

I did manage to air my first TV Show. It was beautiful too; stressful, but beautiful. I hope to get back on air sooner or later.

I am still planning my book tour – but in all honesty, I am not very excited about that. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely want to do the tour… but if it were entirely up to me, I would rather be back home and writing.

I met someone, but that is a story for another day. Very phenomenal person. Too brilliant for their own good. I guess I have always have a thing for brilliant people. This person makes me see things – myself… clearer. Tries to get in my head a lot – for good cause I’d say. I’ve been thinking about a lot. What I want, who I’m gonna be, how I want to be remembered.

I have an extraordinary life-partner so I guess you can say the Universe has dearly blessed me even when I can guarantee you I did not deserve it.

I know, it looks like I know who exactly I am, who I definitely want to become and where my life is going. On most days, I actually do not. The only thing I am certain about in my life is the fact that I love telling stories. The means and medium may change overtime. At least I am confident about writing. I do love writing. I have for 10+years now. That is my only constant.

I love production on some days, and want nothing to do with it on others. I love mentoring kids on most days – but sometimes I am drained with my own troubles and do not want to be bothered with another person’s uncertainties.

Siobhonn (friend I met at the ICFP) said, and I quote:

“Feels like You scrapped yourself down entirely And have been working on building a you That makes you happy. Makes sense to me anyway, That you’d still be exploring new things or re-engaging with old things with new perspectives”

That is precisely how I have felt about life in the past two years.

But I wasn’t always this way – always this confident, unshaken and unbothered.

I was an insecure teenager not too long ago. I was the girl that could never leave the house without make up from the day she discovered it.

Didn’t my hair and clothes always need to be perfect. The wigs, weaves, push-up bras. I remember even trying on the padded underwear at a point. Good grief!

I was broken beyond what I could admit, even to myself, when I did not win miss Malawi. I was second-best. Was this all I could be? Second best? I did a lot to prove (most times to myself than to anyone else) that I was more. I was still Nthanda. I still had it! It!

Let’s not even bring up the high-school and cyber bullying. I couldn’t always stand up and speak up to my bullies. These days, I get perplexed when people even have the audacity to come for me. Like… who do you think you are? Who gave you that kind of power over me?

Should we then bring up immature and toxic lovers? And what if I tell you that I was an even more toxic lover. What if I tell you I was so needy and needed affirmation every so often.

I won’t even delve into family issues. I do not wanna think about it. Not right now.

Writing “By The End of Your Teens” was challenging – mentally, psychologically, emotionally, physically, financially; and really every possible way – for me.

I questioned a lot. I let go of a lot. I stripped myself naked! I grew a lot – growth I am grateful for.

I was stripped, stripped of a lot of things. On most days I still feel stripped, naked. I am still rebuilding myself, letting in new things slowly… very slowly.

Maybe it is because of the way so many things and values were pressed down my throat that I am very careful now with what I allow in. At least, now, I have that power.

I do feel I will be stripped for a while – years, maybe even decades to come. I am okay with that fact. I would rather be naked than dressed in things (and values) that make me uncomfortable.

Idris Elba said, recently:

“Stay away from people who tell you to stay in your own lane. If you wanna try something different with your life, go for it. You’ve got one life to live. It’s your birthright to try new things. Life’s too short to “stay in your lane”. Do your thing.

I am aware I am still growing, and I hope I never stop. I am fatter now – and I like that about myself. I love my body.

I do not wear make up anymore. Make up makes my skin break out – and I really just can’t be bothered anymore. Let’s not even bring up wigs and weaves. This afro is all you will be seeing for a long while. Fake nails are uncomfortable and I am not interested.

I am stripped, naked, bare. I am just me – and I am still making peace with that. I look in the mirror and have to converse with myself, reminding myself that it does not matter whether I am beautiful or not; that it is not my purpose to be good -looking.

I made peace with my face, my body, my scars. My bowlegs are all I have ever known. All these scars show you that I have lived, and lived well – if you are even slightly curious. My stretchmarks, my gorgeous tigermarks! The curves I have, the curves I don’t, the curves I have built!

I do still like designer clothes and shoes. I always have. The fact that someone put extra thought into your clothing. The way they sit on your body and just look. Class!

I do suspect that I will wear make-up again every now and then – not soon, but someday. I may rock a wig. It will surprise me – but I have done a lot of things that deeply surprise me in the past few years… like stopping wearing make-up and wigs.

I am still learning, and I hope I never stop learning, trying, letting go, trying out new things.

So if you are feeling stripped, it’s okay. If you are feeling uncertain about your life – you’re not alone. If you are feeling scared about the future – believe me it is all of us. At least, you are stripped.

And while being stripped, I have been up to a few things, so let’s catch up:

Planning: My book tour. Still at it.

Making: Plans to wrap up content creation for the year and get back to writing.

Creating: A few more tourism/culture/arts videos.

Eating: Not much lately. My appetite has been a mess, but I will be back.

Drinking: Fruit juices and cocktails. I have been on vacation which means that I am not working out and therefore no protein supplements. The water is still a fail, but we shall get there. Faith, honey.

Reading: Some mags. Light stuff.

Currently Reading: Nothing. Can I finish Pride and Prejudice already? Jeez

Writing: Nothing this month. A few blogposts – das it!

Playing: with emotions. Growing up is such an extreme sport!

Wanting: to settle my bills and enter 2019 at zero. Does it ever end?

Needing: A full media team! I am still stabilising in my business – but we are growing positively and pretty fast. I am optimistic I will be hiring soon.

Regretting: Hurting someone I love deeply for my own selfish reason.

Wishing: For peace of mind – to do the right thing by the people I love.

Enjoying: some rain and some fresh air.

Loving: The time spent and conversations shared with D, still. Confirmed – the most brilliant man I know. The wit, the humour!

Following: More writers and creatives. I want to live like the people I aspire to be like. Do not downplay the power of influence!

Thinking: Of how to develop my book concepts in the most impactful way.

Overthinking: Which books to write first without losing the motivation.

Admiring: People that are able to have fun and still have corporate careers at the same time. Goals!

Opening: New doors. Taking extreme chances in both my personal and career life.

Listening to: Sangie’s “Utenge Ndiwe”. Such a jam! I will be interviewing her all about what inspired this song at our spa date this weekend. Very exciting (if you know what I mean, hehe)!

Watching: Nothing this month. I have not had the time.

Grateful for: Patient and graceful loves.