“I hate Women Empowerment Events because I am not impressed. What happens when the ‘feel good’ wears off, and she is still left in a not-good situation?
I am not impressed by your accomplishments. I am impressed by the opportunities that you give to other women.”
- Dana Chanel
One of the most popular questions I get asked is “How do you balance it all?”
Truth be told, I do a lot – way too much on most days, but this does not take away from the fact that I am deeply passionate about each and every single thing that I do.
Growing up, I saw my friends narrowing it down and focusing on the one thing that they were good at. Me? I loved a lot of things. I loved writing, singing, art, you name it! I was fairly good at most of them too.
I did all the things I loved, but in time I learnt that if I spread myself so thin, I would eventually be very in efficient. I wrote about finding my balance in November, 2017. It was a very lengthy process, and I am grateful for each and every step it took to find this balance.
For those of you that do not know me (hey new reads!), I am possibly one of the most paradoxical human beings you are yet to meet. If I heard someone else describe me to another, I would think that they are describing the most disoriented person on the planet. Ironically, I am one of the most organised and routine people you are yet to meet. How do I do this? Discipline.
I deeply believe in the principle of discipline especially as a working woman. Routines help me balance my hectic schedules.
When Dr. Margaret Kubwalo Chaika asked me if I wanted to speak, regards my book, I struggled trying to find the perfect thing to say. I am due to publish my book in two weeks, and I am still nervous about putting this book out there as it is still the dearest thing to my heart. It is honest, it is real and it is very well researched. i actually feel like I deserve an honorary doctorate of psychology just for completing this here book hehe.
My book is called “By The End of Your Teens”. I started writing it when I was 20 – with the thought that kept recurring to me saying “If only I knew this within my teens, I would have done this differently by the end of my teens”. So I thought, hey, I didn’t know better – and in the famous words of Maya Angelou,
“Forgive yourself
for not knowing
what you did not know,
before you learnt it”
That is what I hope this book will be to the youth – a pool of knowledge so they can do better than I did. I mean – they can deal with all these things in their 20s, but I think they would rather spend their 20s forging ahead to better things.
The book has four segments namely “The Self”, “The Surrounding”, “The Dream” and “The Discipline”. Each of these segments has five chapters, ranging from self-love, God, friendship, Love, Sex, Talents, Entrepreneurship, Personal Grooming all the way to balancing success and independence.
For the sake of this discussion I, chose the last segment “Discipline”. This segment has five chapters namely:
- GROOMING AND PERSONAL HYGIENE
- HEALTH AND FITNESS
- SUCCESS AND DISCIPLINE
- TIME AND MONEY MANAGEMENT
- BALANCE AND INDEPENDENCE
I will share the very last chapter of the book – the chapter titled “Balance and Independence”. I think it was the perfect ending to all the book has to say, and perhaps the perfect how-to, for starters.
After listening to Dana Chanel’s rant about Women Empowerment events, I thought – well I am speaking at such an event soon, and she is right. She talked about how most women will tell you of their achievements and wrap up it up with an “It’s possible”. They do not want to give you the how-to. They might even give you some non-realistic methodologies that they have never tried out themselves, because they view you as competition.
I remember when I was 21 and leaving college and Dr. Naomi Ngwira gave us the “Billionaire by 30” plan. Truth be told, it was inspirational and we were all driven. 2 years into it (and believe me I have tried to stay on track), I can firmly tell you that the approach we were given was not plausible.
I am not saying that her speech was wrong or ill-intended, but simply that it is not very applicable in a real life situation. It is kind of a hypothesis in a controlled experiment – Ceteris Paribus, if you’re an Economist.
In reality, all things are not equal. There is not ceteris paribus and all lives and cases are unique. Most motivational speakers tend to forget this fact. As a result, they try to give people the most catchy approaches to achieving success – but life simply does not work that way.
As someone in the audience, I would love to hear about your how to. How did you get here. I do not want to hear about your hypothesis that you think is attractive. I want to hear about the real life experience and the lessons you took from it. I want to hear about the method you tested out, that actually worked (even if it was a little too late for you). It is those lessons that will help me forge ahead in my career.
That is what I hope this book does – giving my real life situations and how I healed from them (just a little later than I think I should have).
There is a nice quote that I love (that I believe everyone has heard before by now)
“Just do it.”
- Nike
I love that qoute. Just Do It. Simple as that.
Then follows:
“Don’t think.
You already know what you have to do,
and you know how to do it.
What’s stopping you?”
- Tim Grover
Definition
Independent
Free from outside control; not subject to another’s authority.
If you are at this event today, I would like to believe you are a fully functional grown human being. Grown human beings are expected to take control over their lives and one of the most important ways to do that is to gain independence and live a well-balanced life.
I have wanted to be independent and successful, in that order, for as long as I can remember. I always did things by myself and rarely ever seeked approval in my childhood. I had so many hobbies where I truly believe that I functioned as a healthy individual. Sometimes I get shocked at where the shift occurred because in my teens I felt like I certainly needed everybody’s approval to do something as simple as lifting my foot.
Being more independent will give you the freedom to do what you want without caring what others think and it will also lead you to find some original personal solutions to your problems. Studies show that the more independent one is, the happier he/she feels.
There are different types of independence I have come across which include intellectual independence, emotional independence and financial independence. There are independent of each other but normally work together.
It is no secret that as humans we almost naturally seek to control others. In my teens, my desire to control other humans came from trying to satisfy my own insecurities and make other people worship me. I basically wanted to own other people. I used the common means of emotional and financial manipulation to control and manipulate these people.
Eventually I started to address my own psychological issues but started noticing that I was not unique in my manipulation. I noticed that there was so much manipulation going on around me and it was being aware of it that made me get above it. So this chapter of the book discusses your independence from other people’s influences but at the same time releasing other people from latches you might have on them because of your own needs. As you read, do not only think of what or who might be controlling you but also who and what you might be controlling. Freedom is not only about you. You must be set free but you must also set other people free.
First, to be independent, one must first learn to think independently. By the end of your teens, make sure you learn how to use and utilize WikiHow (There is one how to, if you needed one!). If you want to waste your time on the internet, waste it on the right things. It is a very efficient and resource search engine.
Wikihow discussed a lot of steps on how to think independently. Thus far, it would be questionable if most of these points hadn’t already been covered in the book under other chapters. However, to drive the point home, I will briefly repeat them with regards to independence. We are now making reference to living an independent, well-balanced life.
I broke down their analysis into two segments; first Independence and second, balance.
Independence
Accept yourself. Accept your body, your personality, your opinions, your choices, your preferences, and your life story. Do not say things against yourself. Put behind you your mistakes and learn from them. Make an effort to be a better you and most importantly love yourself.
Believe in yourself. We are all different and have something unique to say. No one can speak the words on your lips and not everyone is going to agree with what you say which is why it’s important for you to stand by who you are. Believing in yourself will make you trust your own decisions – even if they completely go against someone else’s or even society’s expectations.
If you don’t have faith in yourself, you will always second guess yourself and turn to others for help every time you have to make a decision.
Accept the world. Independent people are those who see the world, with its good and its bad, and consciously choose to be strong for themselves and others. You are not independent because you do not trust anyone. You are not independent because you think highly of yourself.
Accepting the world and all of its complications will also help you to see that there are an infinite number of ways to live out there and nobody is forcing you to conform to one of them.
Be emotionally independent. Chances are you, as a teenager – much like me, depend on many people for emotional support. This is normally your parents, a boy or girl friend, or good close friends. Although it is possible to continue to depend on these people for the rest of your life, it is in your best interest to realize that everyone in your life that you depend on will one day no longer be around.
It’s okay to get attached to a few key people in your life, but you should not let these people determine your level of happiness. That’s up to you.
Stop caring about what other people think. This is the most important thing about being independent. If you depend on others to tell you if your music is cool, or if your outfit is cute, you won’t be very happy! As long as you like it – nothing else matters! Stop worrying about other people’s judgments about your life, whether they are thinking about your clothes, your choice of career, or your choice of significant other. These are your decisions, and not anyone else’s.
If you always have the nagging thought, “But what will other people think if…” in the back of your head, then you’ll always be holding yourself back from doing your own thing.
Get your own information. Always have a goal of getting both sides of every story before forming an opinion. You can talk to people of a variety of backgrounds to get more information on a relevant topic, too, but never let other people tell you what to think. Make a goal of reading as much as possible, whether you’re reading literature or just the Newspaper. Being well-informed will keep you from being a follower and will lead to more independent thought.
Become financially independent. It is tempting to depend on others financially, but before you experience independence, you must be independent. Secure your finances. True independent living relies on financial freedom. Pay your own bills. If you don’t have the money for these expenses, save aggressively.
Leave your friends and family at home when you can. This is a difficult step on the journey to independent living, but you must start doing things on your own. You do not need to drive with someone to the restaurant, because you can meet them there. Go shopping alone, spend at least one or two evenings a week by yourself. Work on activities that force you to lead, not follow.
If you’re used to always having a buddy when you go hiking or go to the mall, see how it feels to rough it on your own.
Plan your day around you. People who are most dependent on others allow their worlds to revolve around the needs of other people or other things. Plan your day according to your own schedule–make a list of what you want to do, what you need to do and what you should have already done. If a friend really needs a favor, that is alright, but don’t let that friend dominate the plan you had made so carefully.
Treat your alone time like it’s a date with your ideal crush. That is, guard it carefully and don’t let anyone stop you from spending time with yourself.
Avoid trends. Dress how you want to dress, and say what you want to say. If you like to act crazy, by all means go for it! A good thing to remember is that good taste and style does not have to cost money – it is something that is innate or learned but can make good of anything with a little know-how.
Spend time with people with different worldviews.
Hanging out with people who are just like you won’t inspire you to be any more independent. Making an effort to be friends with a variety of people who all have different perspectives and occupations can give you more of a sense of what’s out there and to see that there’s no one way to do it right.
Hang out with a lawyer, a chef, a security guard and so on for a change. This can make you more open-minded and more willing to do something completely new on your own.
Learn to drive or navigate public transportation
I have met people that are in their mid-twenties that never learnt how to drive. It would make some sense if they never had access to a car, but some ‘just never needed to’. I know some individuals that proudly claim to not be able to use google maps application. That is one thing you want to have mastered by the end of your teens.
In life, do not wait until you need to learn how to do something for you to feel the need to learn. Skillsets are essential and make it a point to learn as much, as often as you can.
You’ll never be fully independent if you don’t learn to drive or how to get around on your own. If you are old enough to drive, ow can you call yourself independent if you always depend on your boyfriend, best friend, or parents to drive you around? Take life by the horns and get a driver’s license, and then work up to having your own car – but we can reserve that for the end of your twenties.
Depending on other people to get around will make you more likely to stay home or to wait around for other people to determine your fate. You should be able to do whatever you want to do — whenever you want.
Do your own research
It’s great to have people to turn to, but the next time you pick up your phone, ask yourself, can I figure out this information on my own? The answer will most likely be yes. Sure, it will take longer, but think about how much more rewarding it will feel.
Learn to be handy around the house
Learn to be more handy by watching useful videos, reading wikiHow, or reading Popular Mechanics. If you have a good friend who is a carpenter, ask for some carpentry lessons. Learning how to fix up your own space will make you save lots of money and feel like you don’t have to wait around for others to make your life better.
Learning how to quickly do anything is much better than waiting for somebody else to get to it.
Cook for yourself
Have you seen those boys online that post about being able to cook like they deserve a medal? Because for their whole lives they were denied the basic principle of taking care of and feeding themselves.
Understand the basics of cooking: how to sauté basic foods, how to use your oven, and how to cook simple dishes like pasta, potatoes, and salad. Knowing that you can go to the supermarket or farmer’s market, pick up a few key ingredients, and whip together a delicious meal will make you feel like you are capable of doing anything on your own. If you become a great cook, you can even invite other people over to enjoy the benefits of your skills.
Not only will learning to cook for yourself make you more independent, but it will help you save lots of money, which is another key to your independence.
Get used to doing things alone
If you’re truly independent, then you won’t need a buddy to accomplish every little task or to do any fun activity. Don’t wait around for a friend to be available to try that new restaurant in your town or to see that new movie at the theatre. Treat yourself and go it alone — if you head to the movies, you’ll be impressed by how many other people are enjoying a good film solo, too.
I remember when I had a 22 hour layover in Dubai all by myself. If I had never learnt to live by myself, that could possibly have been the worst day of my life. However, I got on the metro, went into town and met a French guy whom I ended up exploring the city with when we could barely hear a word the other could say. We managed to be alone together.
One of the most important things I appreciate to have learnt is how to declutter – living a mess-free, clutter-free life.
I had a friend once marvel in being too busy, having a lot to do by the end of the day. He showed me the endless string of messages unresponded to on his Instant Messaging apps. All I heard was that he was a bad planner, he had terrible time management and was inefficient at executing – CLUTTER CLUTTER CLUTTER!
Life is about finding your balance.
Balance
Be self-motivated
Other people do not have and will never have the same vested interest in your success. Motivation and success is a function of habit. Break your bad habit of procrastination, and replace it with one of good planning. The most successful people in the world aren’t always the brightest, or the best looking, but no matter what other talents or gifts they have been blessed with, they have underpinning their self-esteem a series of victories over tasks both large and small.
If you want to achieve a career goal, it should be to please yourself, not to please anyone else.
Don’t do anything just to impress others. Do it because you want to drive yourself to succeed. Do it for yourself.
Be your own hero
A role model can help inspire you and show you how to live your life. It’s not a bad thing to find someone you deeply admire who shares your values. However, it’s important to think of yourself as your own role model, as a person who is capable of doing and saying anything he or she wants. Aim to be yourself, and be the best you can be. If you can’t look up to yourself, you can’t be independent.
Avoid idolizing any friends or acquaintances in your social circle. This will only make you even more likely to forget about doing your own thing.
Accept that life is not fair
Chapter 1 of the book “By The End of Your Teens” discusses how our parents cared for us so much that they did everything in their power to raise us in a fair and just environment. The real world is so different which becomes a big problem for most. The rules in the world usually protect either the majority (which you may not be a part of) or people with money and power. You will be treated badly for all sorts of unfair things: your skin color, your intelligence, your height, your weight, how much money you have, your opinions, your gender, and just about everything else that makes you who you are.
Don’t let the unfairness of the world keep you from doing what you want to do. Don’t convince yourself that it’s just not possible in the world you live in today.
Don’t just think that you’re the best; prove it to yourself!
Your opinion matters the most in your own motivation, but you know when you’re pulling your own weight as to your accomplishments. It’s far easier to just start dealing with your responsibilities knowing, with an incredibly strong faith in yourself that you can handle what comes up because you have before, than trying to accomplish goals because you’re all warm and fuzzy inside.
Maintain solid friendships
You don’t have to throw away your friends to be independent. In fact, your independence is reinforced with good friends. When your friend needs someone to talk to, be there for them. Be trustworthy. Do not gossip or tell anyone about your friends’ secrets or personal matters. Even if they didn’t say anything about it. Be a strong person for your friends and loved ones. It not only shows you’re selfless, but pretty soon you’ll learn how to deal with any situation that comes your way because of your friends’ experiences.
Don’t settle for anything, for comfort, for ease, or to “be nice”
Work hard at everything you do. Defend your opinions. Don’t let a man/woman feel he has to pamper you. If you’re capable of doing something good, do it. That doesn’t mean do absolutely everything, but you shouldn’t feel it is necessary for people to do things for you that you could do for yourself.
Dump the bad influences in your life
Learn to keep a healthy distance from your friends. Some people make you shine, while others will stunt your growth and draw all your energy. Avoid any friends who really like building a following and having people worship them. Friendship is a two way street. Do not be around people that consider themselves “queen bees”.
Save money
Save as much as reasonably possible. This will help you create an emergency fund, since life can be unpredictable at times. You don’t plan accidents. There are such things as accidents, health problems, or even natural disasters, which can occur when you least expect it.
Sign up for a bank account
Most banks offer a checking and savings account together, in one convenient package. Even if you feel you do not make enough money to need a bank account, open one anyway. Money you earn that isn’t necessary for your own expenses should be put into a savings account until you’re ready to be independent.
Having your own bank account will keep you from depending on others for money, and will help you stay away from reckless spending.
Thank people for helping you
There’s nothing wrong in admitting that you do need help sometimes and it won’t make you any less independent to acknowledge the times when you need help.
Take it slowly
Stick to your own pace and only do what you want to when you want. Take this book’s advice when you want to.That is, after all, the essence of the message here. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. You can be independent, but only if you want to be.
Having coming this far, I truly believe you have everything I wish I knew when I was a teenager. Now the only question that remains, is how to make yourself unstoppable. Benjamin P. Hardy, PhD, says that a lot of people are good at what they do but only a select few are completely unstoppable.
Those who are unstoppable are in their own world. They don’t compete with anyone but themselves. You never know what they will do – only that you will be forced to respond. Even though they don’t compete with you, they make you compete with them.
“Every right decision I have ever made has come from my gut. Every wrong decision I’ve made was the result of me not listening to the greater voice of myself.”
- Oprah Winfrey
So how do you become unstoppable? Benjamin P hardy outlines 30 steps on how you can do this. If you are truly purpose driven, by the end of your teens make sure you you explore some of his writing.
- Don’t think—know andact.
- Always be prepared so you have the freedom to act on instinct.
- Don’t be motivated by money or anything external.
- Never be satisfied.
- Always be in control.
- Be true to yourself.
- Never let off the pressure.
- Don’t be afraid of the consequences of failure.
- Don’t compete with others. Make them compete with you.
- Never stop learning.
- Success isn’t enough—it only increases the pressure.
- Don’t get crushed by success.
- Completely own it when you screw up.
- Let your work speak for itself.
- Always work on your mental strength.
- Confidence is your greatest asset.
- Surround yourself with people who remind you of the future, not the past.
- Let things go, but never forget.
- Have clear goals.
- Respond immediately, rather than analyzing or stalling.
- Choose simplicity over complication.
- Never be jealous or envious of someone else’s accomplishments.
- Take the shot every time.
- Don’t get caught up in the results of your success. Always remain focused on what got you those results: the work.
- Think and act 10X.
- Set goals that far exceed your current capabilities.
- Make time for recovery and rejuvenation.
- Start before you’re ready.
- If you need permission, you probably shouldn’t do it.
- Don’t make exceptions.
Ask yourself, are you unstoppable? If you are not, what are you waiting for?By the end of your teens make sure you live a clutter free well-balanced life!
I hope I have shared with you a few “How-to”s in this articles, and I certainly hope you have some rather plausible steps to take towards your better self, after we are done discussing here. They might seem like some pretty basic steps, but that is all you need – the basic steps. You do not need some miraculous astounding plan to get where you are going. It happens step by step, with a lot of discipline and balance, one day at a time.
All my love,
Ntha x
“Do the best you can
till you know better.
And when you know better,
do better.”
Maya ANgelou
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