Hey loves,
I hope you are doing lovely. I am alright.
It’s mental health awareness day, and I realised I have not done a post on the topic in a while.
Partly, that should tell you that I am doing alright mentally. The other reason is that I have been too busy, and luckily with no triggers.
I did have a semi-breakdown the other night when I got in a disagreement with my S/O and I saw myself slipping into my usual habits of withdrawal.
One of my bigger issues is that I have major trust issues. This is not only about trusting someone to tell me the truth or lie to me – it goes further to the point of choosing to live on my own on most days to curb all risk of anyone hurting me at all.
However, we are social beings and we really cannot survive on our own. We need other people to get by, so I have had to learn to co-exist with people while allowing them some power to hurt me. It is nowhere close to easy.
Naturally, I consider myself a fixer. I am not a “We have a problem!” type of person. The instant we have a problem, I am thinking of ways to fix it and get past the problem. This is easy for me to do in all other parts of my life – except personal relationships. I realise that humans are reactive beings and thus cannot be controlled and tamed like situations.
I have been thinking of all my coping habits when I am dealing with anxiety and depression.
The first option for me in to go to the beach. I really love the sound of waves hitting the beach. It takes me back to my childhood, when everything was much simpler. I have many triggers to my anxiety and depression. My anxiety is usually associated with the people that I deeply I care about – and my depression usually comes into play when I start overthinking my career and simply the meaning of life.
I lost one of my best friends in what is gonna be a year in 13 days, and I remember looking forward to the vacation I was scheduled to go on in a few days from the time he passed on. Most people would find other ways to grieve, but I knew I needed to hear the sound of waves crashing. I found some peace and meaning on the 20hr boatride to the Island.
Earlier this year, I dated one of my closest friends, but we had to break up because our careers were simply going in different directions. I was also scheduled for a vacation in a few weeks from the time I decided to break off the relationship, so I hurried up the vacay so I could get on a Jetskii and rush my adrenaline. In a very odd way, going full speed on that Jetskii was what I needed to begin my process of healing.
In time, I have also created for myself what I can call my panic house. I know that I can always run back to my home, lock the doors behind me and just take a deep breath and instantly feel safe. It took a long time to make the place even feel like home, but I have structured it perfectly to give me peace of mind. It is the one place I can walk in and my world feels quite alright.
My biggest way of healing is writing. I cannot think of a more thorough way of heal from any sort of trauma and will recommend it to anyone going through a tough time. Write about it. Write through it, and write after it. Writing helps you process emotions you would others pack away in a box, and you sort of tend to find solutions to your problems as you write.
Some days when I have a tough night, I wake up early and start cooking for the people I love. I find the details that go into preparing a nice meal very therapeutic. I will focus on creating a great meal and trail off my thoughts into that process.
On days I am absolutely anxious about something going on in my life – I will take a deep breath and go buy myself some roses from the supermarket. I like flowers. I love how they look and even better the smell. When I get home, I will spend at least an hour dethorning them and arranging them in vases. That process tends to clear my mind. I believe in deal with each problem from the root, so I choose to address the triggers to my anxiety and depression.
Those are some of the ways deal with my triggers and in the long-run, heal.
How do you heal?
I hope you’re healing.
All my love,
Ntha x
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