About a year ago, I was on vacation in Mombasa. A good friend of mine posted a photo I had shared with her on her Whatsapp status.
To her surprise, which she later shared with me, an acquintance of hers responded ‘I hate her’.
A few months later, on my birthday, the same friend posted another photo of me. The acquintance commented, again, ‘I hate her!’
She asked her why she hate(d)s me – and as far as I know – she said she hated me because of things she had heard about me.
You will be pleased to know that I was not shocked at the revelation of the hate – as I had infact had an encounter with said girl. She was MCing an event I was speaking at, just about a month before my Mombasa vacation; where she was supposed to introduce me and a few other speakers.
As she introduced me, she said a rather snarky comment which took me a bit aback. My boyfriend thought I was reading too much into the situation when I brought it up later, but energy darling does not lie. I knew something was off there, and was glad to confirm it.
I was more intrigued by the foundation of her hate – as I have found it to be common among people. ‘Inherited enemies’, as they call them.
What is hate?
Hate is a very strong word. We often think of hate as the opposite of love.
According to google:
The media has led us to believe that we either have to love or hate someone. It’s a polarising instrument used by the media to build numbers.
You must have an opinion on something, be it love or hate, because whatever it is you feel – at least you feel something. We need the numbers, and cannot afford your indifference.
So people in the media have endured this from their audiences – ‘fans’ and ‘haters’. Most of these fans and haters do not even take the time to process what any of that means. They love or hate something and that is it. They do not care for why they do what they do.
Types of hate (Why people hate), and Solutions
Valid Hate
Example 1
Cause: You wronged them somewhere
Maybe you were friends – and you did something wrong to them.
Maybe they are a stranger, but still wronged them somewhere.
Solution | How to deal with it
Apologise. If you are aware of the wrong you did, and it is valid a reason for someone to be angry at/with you, apologise.
If they seem unaccommodating, or you are not keen on apologising, let it go.
Sometimes, you may not even know what wrong you did; and they may never have approached you about it. Let it go.
Example 2
Cause: They disagree with your values/opinions
They might be people who absolutely disagree with some things you believe in.
Further – they are not emotionally intelligent enough to separate their dislike for your views, from the individual.
People feel very strongly about their views – be it political, religious or social. So strong that people have gone as far as killing others for disagreeing with their point of view.
Solution | How to deal with it
Analyse yourself, and be objective. If your views are harmful, consider changing them.
You may however be hated for having well-meaning progressive views – and if that is the case; well then let their hate go. Fight for what you believe in.
Invalid Hate
Example 1
Cause: They are dealing with their own issues
Most of the things people do have less to do with you, and more to do with themselves.
Perhaps your existence just triggers something that is subconciously (or actively) going on in their lives/hearts.
Solution
Be patient in analysing situations, and assess things beyond what they look like on the surface.
Our instinct, when we get negativity thrown at us, is to respond – to defend/protect ourselves.
‘This is untrue. I must clear the air!’
Believe me I’ve been there, and I’ve done that. The world has a huge affinity for negativity, and you gain very little, to nothing, defending yourself.
A lie doe not become truth because you have paraded it enough times.
Like light, truth with prevail.
Nthanda L. Manduwi; ‘Notes To Self’ (Book, 2021)
If you even have a hunch this has little or nothing to do with you – let it go. It is not your duty to make them heal.
If it is lies being told about you – eventually, even if it takes a while, your truth will come to light.
Example 2
Cause: Confused Admiration: They want what you have
They want your job, they want your house, they want your car, they want your partner, they want your life.
A cliche quote: ‘They may even be jealous of the way other people love you’.
At times they even just want your guts – the way you pursue things they only could dream of. You are living the life that, if they did not have fear, they would be living.
Worsestill – most people cannot admit to themselves that they want what you have – so they project, and the easiest thing to do is hate.
We live in a comparative society – we are engineered that way from a young age.
People do less ‘looking inwards’ and more ‘looking outwards’.
We are constantly comparing ourselves, and our lives, to others. This at times can be harmful, as we start to look down on ourselves.
If we do not process there emotions properly; we project it on others (often public figures), and name it hate.
Solution
Nothing. There is absolutely nothing you can do about what other people want – unless you are philanthropic and want to give them what you have of course. More than often, they will not appreciate it, and it is not worth the effort.
Avoidance | Break The Cycle – The Beyonce/Kim Kardashian Effect
AVOID. AVOIDANCE WILL SAVE YOU A LOT OF TROUBLE.
Avoid people who dislike you.
Avoid opening your space up to these people.
Avoid situations which may land you in responding to negativity.
Remember:
People who hate you mostly just want your attention.
Their hate is invalid until you validate it. Their hate does not matter if you do not know about it – so they make sure to express it. That’s the thing about hate – it requires validation.
Hate is learnt.
Love is natural.
Nthanda L. Manduwi; ‘Notes To Self’ (Book, 2021)
Love does not need to be validated because love is a natural occurence.
We are however taught how to hate. It is why the feeling requires constant validation.
Think of how Beyonce never responds to a single hater, and how that small act reduces her haters to mere mortals, and turns her into almost a deity. I call this ‘The Beyonce Effect’.
Now think of Kim Kardashian – who (perhaps formerly) would respond to some haters. Her haters get what they want – her attention. They feel she is accessible; she is on their level – and the cycle continues.
Avoiding people who hate you breaks the cycle. It invalidates, and eventually numbs their feeling (when they personally heal from whatever they are going through anyway).
Understand that people are fighting their own battles, and commit to being kind. In whatever situation, choose kindness. Do not be fake – or condescending. Really be kind and gracious.
Beyond kindness – and if it is online – BLOCK! MUTE! UNFOLLOW! RESTRICT!
Use all the options darling. Use them in real life too. BLOCK and forget about their existence!
* These are just very few examples of types of hate, and how you may deal with them. *
People will often use hate to ‘fuel’ them. Most spend their time trying to prove their haters wrong. They centre hate. I have done it before.
I have learnt that is now the way I want to live my life.
I do not have any time to stay up at night worrying about what someone who does not love me has to say about me.
Viola Davis
CENTRE LOVE!
Honestly what is the point living to prove someone who may never like you wrong, when there are hundreds of people who love you, and can fuel your energy.
As long as you are well-meaning, your intentions are pure, and you remain genuine – the Universe will eventually conspire in your favor. There will always be people who will see through your haters’ ‘bullshit’ and still support you. Centre those people. Prove them right!
If you are needing your spirits lifted – Remember why you do what you do. There are a lot of people who love you and are rooting for you.
Always assess the situation, and analyse if this really has anything to do with you. Most times – people are just projecting.
You more than likely have way more people who love you than those who hate you. Unless you are absolutely despicable – your haters are just like some toddlers throwing tantrums seeking your attention.
As discussed before, love is silent, and hate is loud. The loud few may just be 1% of everybody experiencing your energy.
Avoid them!
Because hate requires public affirmation – it is often likely that hate will translate to harrassment.
Your ‘haters’ want to know that their disapproval of you is valid.
If you are not the one validating it, they turn to others (again the ‘Beyonce/Kim’ effect).
They want to know that other people have also learnt the same hatred they have for you; so they may go to lengths to seek that validation.
They may harrass you in person, or online – as is easy to do now.
If you feel that you are being harrassed, online or in person – refrain from handling the matter in your capacity, and seek the law.
Harrassment is illegal, and punishable by law. Report this to your nearest police station, and let the law take it’s course.
We will break down how you can go about this very soon.
Till then, be kind.
All my love,
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