By Tamiwe Kathumba
For as long as I can remember sex was something I associated with sin.
Within the confines of religion sex was something I pretended I was not curious and eager about.
Within the confines of culture, it was a topic my mother brought up to warn us of men who would only want us for sex then abandon us.
From a young age, sex is something I was never taught to speak openly of.
As a young girl I was never given the language to speak positively of sex, I was never told sex was for me too.
I was never taught that sex was about my pleasure and not shame, a soiling of my fragile innocence.
Pornography and Mills and Boon novels is the closest thing to sex education I got, and both are terribly misleading.
An adolescent me associated sex with the HIV/AIDS pandemic, teenage pregnancy and a loss of my dignity.
I internalised all these negative perceptions about sex, that when I actually did have sex, it was a mess. But this is not a tale of my first time .
For years, all of my sexual experiences were largely unsatisfying and mediocre.
From faking orgasms to inadequate lubrication, to uncomfortable positions, and a failure to communicate my needs.
To clarify no one explicitly told me I had to fake my moans and my orgasms, but that’s the thing about not being given the space and the voice to express your desires. I did however realise no one was going to give me that voice, I had to give it to myself.
Before I could begin to enjoy sex for myself I had to strip off a lot of shame I had surrounding sex. I had to unlearn a lot of what I was told sex was, most especially what I saw in porn.
So if you do not know this already, do not learn how to have sex from porn.
Porn is quite inaccurate, sex is so complex and intricate. I had to explore my own avenues of sexual pleasure and you should too. I had to admit to myself that I wanted to like sex, and to do that, I had to stop doing what I thought the people I slept with wanted from me, and actually start doing what I wanted.
Imagine my surprise when I had my first orgasm from self-pleasure, and from penetration.
The first time I masturbated successfully was an eye opener. I say successfully because there were many sad attempts at it that either ended in frustration or shame.
The one thing it did teach me though, was I actually should enjoy sex, and I wanted to have more sex that I enjoyed.
To do that, I had to unlearn the silence around sex that I had been fed when I was younger. I had to practice communicating my needs to my partner if I were to ever truly have good satisfying sex.
I am still practicing and I am still unlearning the silence I was taught but now each time I have sex I express myself a little better. I am more aware of what works for me and what does not. I am still learning how to have sex I whole heartedly enjoy.
No one told me I could and should enjoy sex too, but I realise now that no one will.
It may seem trivial, but when the time is right, tell your daughters that sex is as much for them, as it is for men.
A simple revolution that will change the way they will approach sex for the rest of their adult lives. Teach them that sex is a good thing, a beautiful thing. It is not shameful, and it should never be. Teach them to not be ashamed of their curiosity surrounding sex, to not be ashamed of their desire.
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