“Do you solemnly swear –
To stay in your lane,
Your whole lane,
And nothing but your lane?”
I do!
But what it people find me in my lane?
It’s Labor Day today.
I planned that I would spend this day relaxing, and not working. I am writing – which means that I am working.
It just dawned on me, that writing is my actual job now. I managed to make for myself a career as a writer in Malawi. I am paid to write. People actually trust my words enough to pay me for it, and years in, I am still in shock, and pleasant amusement.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am king at minding my own business. I live in my bubble, and most times tend to forget about the society around me.
I was carelessly tweeting yesterday about two specific people, which ended up in the bullying of someone I love and deeply respect, in an effort to get at me. I left the tweet up for less than 20 minutes, before I let go of the situation and deleted the tweet. I am still in awe of how it transpired.
I am a survivor of bullying, and can take right about anything from anyone. I am however protective of the people I care about, and will do all in my power to keep any type of nonsense away from them if I can.
Whenever something happens, I stop for a while, just to invest a little time in some introspection. I have learnt, overtime, that we are never as innocent as we claim to be, in the things that happen to us. I have also learnt, that we always have the power to change the circumstances around us.
In the spirit of the same protection, I will never address the topic at hand, because I choose to protect the hearts that I love.
I am becoming more aware of the fact that the type of life I would love to lead, means that my business will be at the mercy of the people – theirs to dwell in and absolutely mind. I am making peace with this reality, but it is easier said than done. In the words of Bonang,
I got to thinking, about the art of minding your own business. I was wondering where it begun for me.
I have never been someone who has ever minded anyone’s business besides that which directly affects me. Perhaps I am self-absorbed, but I only speak about things that directly affect me, and my life.
Part of minding my own business involves me being deeply invested in only the people I consider my tribe – the people who inspire me. This includes people who I know personally, and those who do not even know of my existence.
I was wondering if this is my privilege, given I have always been this way since I was a little girl.
I’ve kind of always had bigger dreams – bigger, relative to what I am exposed to. I always feel that I have very little time, and so much to do. You’d hopefully understand, how this translates to only sticking to my business and my business alone.
This year, I am working on growing my media company, establishing a creative fellowship, publishing a few magazines, and beginning the production of my first movie. It is a lot to get done, and I am on most days a walking zombie.
I was thinking today, what truly causes people to mind other people’s business.
The concept of sitting down, alone, or with other people, to speak ill of that which has entirely nothing to do with us, in my opinion, says a lot about someone’s mental health. I thought of just two things this morning:
1. Lack of introspection
I learnt a while ago, that the hate and judgment I hold within me, are things which remind of things I judge and hate within myself.
Judging others is something we do in order to feel better about ourselves. The need to take down someone else for us to feel better should let us know, that something is not okay within.
I am aware, however, that introspection is an extremely difficult act, and most choose never to tread down that path at all.
2. Misdirected anger
I suck at being angry. When it directly involves me, and is hurtful to me, I will most times end up in tears before I am angered. I do, however, get angry when someone I care about is treated unfairly. I am a huge mommabear when it comes to my people, and will do all in my power to defend.
Misdirected anger is basically me, unknowingly, taking my anger out on something that has absolutely nothing to do with what is the real cause of anger in my life.
The moment I have peace and contentment within me, I will not be concerned with that which does not involve me.
***
While staying clearly and solely in my business, I have in recent times found people deeply within my business. You must understand, that I was within my business, and people found me there. I am human, and where my heart is concerned, of course I will react. I have emotions, and naturally so, they erupt on occassion. I get annoyed when I know I have things to do, and end up hearing things that affect me, and are in fact not true.
It is something I am newly aware of, and now having to master the act of minding my own business while avoiding those who actively choose to mind mine. It is an extremely difficult art, I will admit – because in my version of a perfect world (hopefully one I will leave this world to be by the end of my life), I would mind my business, and others would mind their own. That, is however not yet my reality – and somehow, I have to deal with that.
How to Mind Your Own Business.
“People will spend their time spewing negativity towards people that would never even breathe in their direction.”
I woke up reading some tips about minding your own business by Gretchen Ruben on Forbes. I relate to most of them, as I find that they have been principles I have most times operated on.
1. No one asked for my advice.
Except in the rare instance when people specifically ask for help clearing their clutter, raising their children, or deciding their careers, I should keep my advice to myself.
2. I don’t know the whole story.
It’s very easy to assume that I understand a situation and to form a judgment when in fact, I understand almost nothing about what’s happening.
3. It doesn’t affect me.
A friend of Gretchen’s was all worked up about some stupid thing a celebrity did – she was really, truly annoyed. Gretchen wanted to say, “You don’t know this person, you’ve never even seen her in person. Why let yourself get so upset about something that has no possible affect on you?”
This is a principle I live by, strongly. “You don’t know these people. Go and write some damn books.”
4. It’s a Secret of Adulthood: “Just because something makes me happy doesn’t mean that it will make someone else happy”, and vice versa.
Gretchen said she usually often has to fight the impulse to be a happiness bully, but what works for me might not work for someone else.
5. Don’t gossip.
I’ve simply never been a gossip. Blame that on my self-absorption, yet again. I do not have the kind of time required to discuss what other people are up to in their personal lives. My friends know I am always late on the newest scandal in town.
6. I’m on someone else’s turf.
I’m was reading Big Sean’s comments section, when Nipsey Hussle passed away, and Jhene Aiko wrote a very sweet comment on his post expressing her love for him. Most people commented on how weird it was, and that she should move on. Again my lack of knowledge in the department cause me to just watch, “This is her relationship, and her rules. She loves the man way she wants how.”
7. Find explanations in charity.
One of Gretchen’s favorite writers, Flannery O’Connor, wrote in a letter to a friend: “From 15 to 18 is an age at which one is very sensitive to the sins of others, as I know from recollections of myself. At that age you don’t look for what is hidden. It is a sign of maturity not to be scandalized and to try to find explanations in charity.”
Now understand that you are no longer 15, and should possibly take some steps towards growing up.
8. Expand the amount of “Your Business”.
I am adding an eighth point to what Gretchen advised, as I have found this to do wonders for me.
Whenever I find myself invested in someone’s life, I take a step back and question myself, to really understand if my life is so great, that I have the time to waste on what another person is doing.
Every time, I will realise that I am still poor. My books are still not yet published. I still haven’t yet found funding for my movie. I still haven’t finished furnishing my bedroom. And I realise all that is wrong with my business, and choose to work on that, leaving no time to mind other people’s business.
***
It is the beginning of Mental Health Awareness Month, and I am taking some more time out for introspection, addressing what is mine, protecting the hearts that I so deeply love, and dodging all else.
I learnt a weakness in me, and was made aware that I may erupt when untruths are said about someone I care about. In my eruption, I put a heart in jeopardy, and I am doing everything in my power to protect that.
I understand that not everyone will choose the high road, and opt to stay on the low road. What I missed, was that there is not enough business on the low road, and most times, they will look to the high road to drag some things down and roll around in.
“Never mud-wrestle with a pig.
You will both get dirty,
But the pig will enjoy it!”
***
I hope you are doing the same, and taking the time to work on your weaknesses and faults, seeking the psychological help you need, as you make an active effort to stick to your business.
I hope you solemnly swear –
To mind your business,
Your whole business,
and nothing but your business.
***
All my love,
Ntha
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