I am turning 24 this year.
I finished my undergraduate studies two years ago.
I have a stable job.
I’ve been in a relationship with the best human being I know for about a year now. We live together most of the time, and we have a really beautiful life.
By my 2012 plans, I should have gotten married on the 10th of November, 2018 to my first love. Joke’s on me, because on the 10th of November last year, I had just landed in Rwanda for the International Conference of Family Planning.
I would bore you with details about my relationship but there really is not much to say. Nothing out of the ordinary, anyway. We have a great love. He is theee love of my life (thus far, we tend to forget to clarify as much). It is the most peaceful, and mature relationship I have ever been in.
We are both very goal driven people, and we support each other in becoming our greatest selves. He has big political dreams. He is the most brilliant man I know, and I will move heaven and earth to ensure that he gets to live out those dreams. He would make a really great leader – and people, people deserve to be led by great, and brilliant people.
I on the other hand love the pen. I love playing with words – writing, with every fibre of my being. I want to tell stories, and I want to see people enjoying my stories.
If you know me, then you know that I am a thinker. I note that I tend to think more than the average human. I do not believe this speaks for my intellect, as it does for my inquisition. I am a very curious person, and I always want to know why things are the way that they are.
I am obsessed with science. Biology was my favourite subject in secondary school, right next to Mathematics which was a breeze for me. I loved biology because it made me understand what we as beings are made up of. I later got interested in astronomy, as I attempted to understand the world that we live in. I am currently into psychology – understanding why humans do the things that they do.
I want to shake and shift perspectives with my stories – and inspire free-thinking with my work. I know I will, and I am thrilled for that journey.
I have a lovely lover. There’s a beautiful man who loves me wholly. I am the centre of his universe, and I love him too. He is my best friend, and we complement each other very well. We should be married by now; and have us some beautiful brilliant babies. We probably will – some day, but I have been struggling with the thought of a marriage right now.
Perhaps I am too logical for my own good – but the next 5 years is too blurry for me, to make a lifetime commitment now. It is not because I do not want to. I would, in a heartbeat, and so would he. But I would love, for the both of us, to be logical about the steps that we take.
Me and mine talk about everything and nothing. We both want to be in each other’s lives for life – that is certain. He is at a place where he is more clear of what he wants, and which direction his life is going to take, courtesy of the time he has had on this earth. Me? I have no idea what the next 5 years of my life will look like. All I can do is hope, that it will be the greatest version of my possible reality.
We are both in the process of figuring out what a future together is going to look like to accommodate both our dreams; and we are taking some time living apart to get some headspace. We are still best friends, and have dinner together nearly every day.
I have been having lots of conversations with the people around me, and I have been taking note of all the wrong reasons people, in my opinion, marry.
“He/she is a good man/woman” is not a reason enough to marry.
“She/He treats me like a queen/king” is not a reason enough to marry.
“He/she will solve my financial woes” is not enough a reason to marry.
“We look great together in photos” is not enough a reason to marry.
“I want my turn at having a big wedding” is not enough a reason to marry.
“I watched too many fairy-tales when I was young, and it is now my chance at a happily ever after” is not enough a reason to marry.
“We have a child together” is not enough a reason enough to marry.
“We want to have children together” is not enough a reason to marry.
“My family and everyone around me love her/him” is not a reason enough to marry.
“My biological clock is ticking” is not enough a reason to marry.
“It is the right time” is not enough a reason to marry.
“I love him/her” is not a reason enough to marry.
“He/she cheats a lot and he/she needs to settle down.” is not enough a reason to marry.
“I am celibate/a virgin, and want to have sex in a marital union” is not enough a reason to marry.
“We have been together for 8 years” is not enough a reason to marry.
“I am deserving of love/a partner” is not enough a reason to marry.
I say the reasons above are not reasons enough to marry, because, logically speaking, most – if not all of them, can be achieved outside of, and do not require a, marriage.
Being a good human being is the bare minimum. Your insecurities should not be a driving factor in the choice of a life partner. Sort your issues out before you start thinking love will fix you.
A wedding is a one day event, that requires months or even years of planning – but come what may, the wedding will end. Then ensues, the real journey that is, a marriage.
You are deserving of love, good love, great love in fact. You are deserving of your own love first; and then other people’s. You get the love that you give. Love does not only come in the form of a relationship/marriage, and do not let people lie to you that it does.
Sure the reasons stated above could be the reason for a marriage – a successful one in fact. However, it is a risk; and I am not such a fan of uncalculated risks. I think, if given the chance, you should take the time to think things through.
Before you even go as far as worrying about each other’s families and their needs, will the relationship between the two of you survive the test that is a marriage? How does a commitment to another individual fit into the plans you have for yourself for the next 5, 10, 15 and 50 years of your life?
You marry (if at all) somebody you can do life with. Are you friends? Is that your go to person in everything that you do? Are your personalities compatible? Do you have similar/complementary hobbies? Do you complement each other as human beings? Are your dreams compatible? Have you taken the time to fully discover your sexuality? Does your future together make sense at all?
For most of us, our life must take the marriage route because that is the path that has already been tried and tested. Better the devil you know, right?
We have the big wedding, we have the children, and spend the rest of our lives making ridiculous sacrifices for each other; that in the long-run lead to us resenting each other. We incur some infidelity here and there, and spend months in toxicity, fighting for what we promised would be ‘for life’. Lest we forget the interventions of the in laws, and the anger and hate that follow.
I am grateful to have been born in a time a surrounding that accommodates my free-thinking, something most of our parents did not have the opportunity to do. I do not live on fantasy, nor religion. I do not make decisions based on faith and hope.
My sister loves my lover very much. They are good friends. She thinks we are great for each other, and takes her time being a sounding board to the both of us.
I always have open discussions with my mother. I am grateful to have been born of such a brilliant and open-minded woman. There is absolutely no pressure on what life choices I should make from either of my parents.
My parents have been together for 29 years now, and married for 26 of them. They got married on the 2nd of October, 1993 in MonkeyBay, Mangochi – where they both worked as mariners. They have been open about their triumphs and failures in their relationship, and as individuals. I can openly share with them my fears, and get sound advice from them.
I have known my parents to be the best of friends throughout my life. I may not know much about marriage, but I am certain that being friends is the bare minimum.
I know from my father, that if you choose to marry someone, then you fight for that relationship against odds and never give up on it. It is for life, and you must honor that promise, if you are so bold as to make it.
Divorce, should not be a part of the package where a marriage is concerned – and much as I always advocate for people leaving toxic relationships; I am a bigger advocate for curing the cause, and that is the fact that toxic relationships (/marriages) should not even happen in the first place. If it can be avoided, it should.
I am grateful for the opportunity to critically think things through, before taking that leap. My brain is still getting a grasp of it all, and I am taking it one day at a time.
What I hope for you, if you must marry, is a great and fulfilling love – that still gives you room to become your greatest self; and not demand that you give up some dreams and visions of yours. Good love should propel you, not cripple you.
Are you getting married soon?Are you thinking about it? Are you already married? What are your views, and possible advice?
All my love,
Ntha
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