By Kate
‘Do you ever get angry?’
‘She never gets angry, she’s so sweet!’
‘She never appears to be angry.’
‘She’s always smiling.’
These are some of the statements I get asked a lot by people. I wonder if such a person even exists; someone who never gets angry at all. If such a person does exist, I have not met, let alone heard of any. The fact of the matter is that I get angry, more times that I would care to admit; everyone does. I am human. I have feelings and I strongly believe that every emotion needs to be felt deeply. Interestingly enough, I have noticed that as human beings, we desire so much to only feel the “good feelings” and not the “bad feelings” because the “bad feelings” make us uncomfortable. But shunning the bad feelings sometimes leaves us inadequate especially when change shows up and we end up failing to grow. Feelings, whether good or bad, are important because they help us evaluate ourselves and what is happening around us.
In his book “Overcoming Hurts & Anger: Finding freedom from negative emotions, Dwight L. Carlson, M.D notes:
“many of us, particularly those of us with religious backgrounds, have been robbed of the right to negative feelings, especially the feeling of anger. This is comparable to a psychological rape, in which a vital part of our humanity is violated, leaving us with irreparable emotional damage.
Many, myself included, will relate to this statement on a very personal level. Growing up, I experienced a poor modeling of anger management.
Whenever there was a misunderstanding in our home, there was seldom constructive communication and I could sense the lingering tension in the air. Occasionally, a strong angry remark would be made which would inevitably be followed by a “cold war”. Deep inside me, I knew that what I saw could not possibly be the solution to handling anger and that there must be another way to deal with this powerful and explosive emotion.
Anger experts describe anger as a primary, natural emotion which has evolved as a way of surviving and protecting yourself from what is considered a wrong doing. It is a feeling of displeasure as a result of a real or imagined threat, insult, put-down, frustration, or injustice to you or to others who are important to you.
There are different kinds of anger and how people manage their anger differs from person to person. Some people are always angry while others seldom feel angry. People are different. But despite those facts, I want to share with you some things I have learnt over the years concerning how to manage my anger constructively. I hope, with all my heart, that this will save you a lot of damage and heartache.
Firstly, I have made peace with the fact that conflict is normal and inevitable especially when there is close proximity emotionally. It was critical to acknowledge that anger is normal but more importantly, to be aware that the people I love, the ones closer to my heart, will “push my buttons”. That knowledge alone has helped me learn to be gracious with people I am close to and set realistic expectations for them.
Secondly, I have deliberately made up my mind to live a purposeful life. People who have positive aspirations have fewer reasons to be angry. Good habits are essential in minimizing anger. Such is the difference between an optimist and a pessimist. Research shows that each of these approaches life situations differently and their ability to cope successfully with adversity differs as a result. So, having positive aspirations has proven to be a protective factor against my anger getting out of hand.
Lastly, when something very irritating happens to me, I have learnt to “count to ten” and softly say to myself:
“all things are working for my good”.
This has a lot to do with my perspective on life and I am aware that not everyone will share my perspective. But that affirmation alone has saved me a lot of trouble more times that I can count.
In conclusion, if you forget everything I have shared, at least remember this; never hide your anger, recognize your feelings whether good or bad, let them be felt deeply but find ways to express them constructively.
Stay inspired.
Kate
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