By Tamiwe Kathumba
The first time I gave a voice to depression I said “I just get really sad sometimes when I don’t want to but I don’t know how to fix it”. I think I have been depressed since I was 15. This is the first time I have really admitted it to myself and to the world. Accepting that you are human in public can be hard. I have had too many highs in these 5 years and so many lows that I’ve lost count. I have never really talked about it and I do not know how to. I have been asked almost every day in these 5 years how I am doing and the answer is always fine. How do you look the people you love in the eyes and tell them you are not okay and do not really know why. You do not tell them that you even on your happiest days you feel like you are suffocating. You do not tell them that most times you do not know how to be okay but with every fibre in my being I want to.
Depression is not the easiest thing to talk about with the people you love. Especially when there are no words in your language to explain it. It is not that the people in my life do not care, it is that even though they do, I fear there is nothing they can do about it. It is not something I can put into words but if I were to try I would say the last 5 years have felt like being tugged in a million different directions yet being asked to stand still. I do not remember the last time when I woke up in the morning and didn’t have things screaming at me telling me I’m not good enough, I’m not doing enough, I’m not achieving enough, my dreams will never become a reality and a million other not enoughs. A friend of mine joked about how my default setting is very self-critical and if I’m being honest it is.
I have gone so long not talking about it because I have mastered the art of appearing fine. I have mastered the art of functioning like a full person. I function under immense stress and anxiety just as well as I function when I am the happiest girl in the world. I have mastered the art of putting on a brave face for myself and everyone around me. I’m so good at it that I almost convince myself I have it together. I never talk about it and I wouldn’t know where to begin even if I did. I have convinced myself there is no time and no room for me to fall apart. There is absolutely no time in this infinitely spinning universe for me to not be okay. There are dreams to chase and things to scratch off lists that will not wait for me to shatter then pull myself together.
But I am tired of having it together, I am ready to shatter into a million pieces because from there I can rebuild. I am tired of not being okay and getting by. I am weary of looking people in the eyes when they ask me how I am and saying I am fine. I am not fine and have not been for a long time. If I do not do anything about it now one day it could be too late. I do not want that day to come. I want to be fine for the first time in a long time.
Tamiwe Kathumba is a Malawian 20 year old writer living in Lilongwe. She is best known for her poetry with two poetry collections, Kuwala and Mpendadzuwa both released in 2018. In her work she explores themes of family, love and healing. Her work can be found on her social media pages. She is currently working with Tingathe Malawi and enjoys working with young and vulnerable people in her community.
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