Spoil the Rod, Spare the Child | Effectively Disciplining Children

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“He that spareth his rod hateth his son;

but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”

Proverbs 13:24

“It is your God-given right to beat your child if he/she misbehaves. Check your bible.”

@IamRodgerz

“The Qur’an says you should beat up your wives when they disagree with you. Should we also follow that advice? Following morally bankrupt books is the reason most communities are such a mess.”

@Xetanix

“God forbid I have ever have any, but I am never hitting my kids. Ndipo oyelekeza kudzamenya ana anga ndidzawaswa. Olo ali makolo anga omwe. No one is traumatizing my babies.”

@pastichemode

It was a video as posted by @theamazonstalk1 of a father whipping his daughter because she was having sex at 12 years old that really set the internet (i.e. black Twitter) in flames.

There were people taking varying sides on the debate – some completely opposed to child chastisement, while others were completely for it.

Some argued being beaten as children made them better human beings, while others discuss the post-traumatic stress disorder they have endured as adults – a result of being beaten as children.

“I was a child, but I can clearly remember how it tormented my thoughts. I remember asking myself if they were even my real parents. I had thoughts of running away.

I eventually got used to the beatings, and acted rebellious anyway. Whooping is just not it to me. There are plenty other effective ways to discipline children.”

@Marie_JahLady

Kenyan Comedian @ruthkirathe, shared a video on how she intends to creatively beat her children when she is a mother.

All her life, she had committed to the view that she would never beat her children, as a result of being beaten herself.

She reminisces on her childhood, leaving school every day, and heading home while expecting a beating from her mother.

There was not always a valid reason to get beaten, but an ‘ass-whooping’, as she calls, it was always on the menu.

Her view on beating children has now changed after having lived in Japan for a while now.

She has gotten quite sick of what she considers undisciplined children, who throw tantrums in public at their pleasure, and swears to creatively beat her children to discipline them.

Effective Communication

Effective communication is defined as communication between two or more persons in which the intended message is −

properly encoded
delivered through appropriate channel
received
properly decoded and understood by the recipient(s)

Communication is said to be effective when all the parties (sender and receiver) in the communication, assign similar meanings to the message and listen carefully to what all have been said and make the sender feel heard and understood.

The video of the father beating up his daughter for having sex at 12 as a means of communicating to her that he disapproves of her actions really set off some triggers for me.

I shared how I do not perceive beating children an effective mode of communication. I spoke of the traumatic effects of beating a child – which was met with different types of views, some in agreement, and others opposing.

The first view was shared by @kayphanga, who said that someone who has not yet been a parent has no place telling parents how they should parent.

@lilmisscheesy opposed this view, saying someone who has been parented, even without having parented, has every right to share their views on parenting – especially from the receiving end.

If we suddenly need to be parents to tell people that beating children is wrong, do we also need to be married to tell people that beating their spouses is wrong?
If you are arguing that children need to be subjected to physical violence because they lack the intellectual capacity to understand that they are wrong, do you realise that you sound sadistic and psychopathic?”
@Neo_url

Views shared highlighted that people opt to beat their children, because children are not independent thinkers and most times stray when ‘disciplined’ without violent acts.

People consider beating/spanking their children a mode of “disciplining” them.

@kumwenda_3 shared how he would not be violent to his children, but would give them the occasional spank when necessary.

Your child depends on you to teach them right from wrong. You have the right to discipline them.
@kumwenda_3

Discipline

Noun /ˈdɪsɪplɪn/

“The practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience.”

@Bentigo proceeded to share on a book he is currently reading, Dr. Spock’s “Baby and Child Care”, as a new father.

Dr. Benjamin Spock discusses what discipline is, where children are concerned. He emphasises on the fact that discipline is NOT punishment. Most people perceive disciplining someone as ‘punishing’ them. Punishment is but only one part of disciplining someone, and Dr. Spock goes further to share that he hopes that punishment only takes up a small part of discipline. It’s important to recognize the difference between discipline and punishment.

Peggy Drexler Ph.D. on ‘Psychology Today’ says that discipline is necessary, but punishment is not.

She goes further to explain that in most cases, misbehaviour among toddlers and young kids isn’t something that requires punishing but, instead, some understanding and a frank parent-child discussion.

Many kids will act out as a cry for attention or for firmer limits. Most kids, especially boys, have an impulse to push boundaries while also needing to know that they’ll be reigned in. Others act out as they learn how to get their desires met; all kids, at one point or another, will express a feeling or need in a socially unacceptable way. The job of the parent is to help kids develop positive strategies for expressing those feelings and needs, and set their own limits, part of which includes learning about consequences.

Dr. Spook explains the true goal of discipline as ‘teaching’ children the role of behaviour, what behaviour society and other people expect from them, so they can grow up to become productive members of society.

As a parent, you task is to teach a child the hows and whys of acceptable behaviour – but never at the expense of self-worth and optimism.

Is it abuse/violence, or are you just disciplining your children?

Abusive parents swear they are the only ones who have ever experienced naughty children.
‘They are just so naughty. It’s just not possible to beat them’.
They are children. ‘Naughty’ is how they learn and explore their surroundings. What were you expecting when you decided to bring new humans into this world? The problem is not that the kids are being kids. It is that you are lazy and incompetent.
You have never talked to your child about sex. You have never explained to them the implication of having sex. You have never made them aware of the fact that you are the source of information, and that they should discuss anything they are curious or concerned about with you; but somehow you expect them to miraculously engage or not engage in sex in a manner that you as their parent would approve of.
When they act differently from your expectations because you did not do the work as a parent, they get all their information from people who are not you – you get angry and assault them because you failed as a parent. Beat yourself.”
@THISisLULE

Violence

Noun /ˈvʌɪəl(ə)ns/

“Behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.”

Asked about how violence towards children is different from violence against women, most argued that women are adults and not deserving of a spanking for discipline, as compared to children.

Y’all don’t want to talk about how beating children is abuse because you will be forced to come to terms with the realisation that your parents abused you. It is abuse, and they did abuse you.
‘I will teach my children right from wrong by showing them that they should only beat people who are smaller and more societally vulnerable than them.’
Y’all are abusers who view children as property and not autonomous beings. You have no concept of morality and ethics outside of violence. You are emotionally stupid.
That is why you think it is okay to beat children. You did not turn out fine, because believing children should be hit is peak abusive cycle mentality.
Y’ALL DON’T EVEN HAVE THESE KIDS YET, THAT YOU ARE ALREADY IMAGINING INCITING VIOLENCE ON?!!”
@kylemalanda

@RJtheDJMw shared a sentiment that there is a big difference between violence, and disciplining a child.

Most shared her view. Those who shared this view were those who approved of beating children as a form of discipline. One then proceeds to wonder where exactly they draw the line.

Effects of Chastisement

“Y’all have really convinced yourselves, with your Stockholm syndrome, that being regularly being assaulted was beneficial to your upbringing and mental health.”
@ThisisLULE

I came to the opinion that most of the resistance to riding of child-spanking as a means of disciplining children was a rebellion of sorts for most people – the desire to stick to the African way of doing things, and avoiding westernisation at all costs!

But could our ways of doing things sometimes not be the best ways?

“Not beating my kids is working out so well. We taught them responsibility and respect at a very age – so they have the self-awareness that I did not grow up with.
They also do Karate lessons, so that also sets their discipline. Of course, from time to time, they will wild out; but that’s kids.”
@Tzzak

A couple of people argued that they were beaten as children, but turned out perfectly fine.

Talking about ‘I turned out okay and I was beaten by my parents.’ Did you really? Go to therapy one time and see the bucket load of shit you are carrying around.
Constantly emotionally unavailable, stunted emotional growth, zero emotional intelligence, violent, built up walls, can’t ever trust anyone, but you turned out okay?
Beating children stems from the fact that adults refuse to see children as human beings whose right to dignity and protection from violence is just as important.
It is very dishonest to say you do it because you want to discipline a child – when the reality is that the child, by rebelling made them angry; and their reaction to anger is violence. A clear sign of lack of emotional intelligence.
It is very embarrassing that the only way to deal with a defenceless human being whom you overpower not only physically, but also in strength, is to… beat them?
A whole big person cannot figure out other means of grilling information into a child? If you do not resort to violence with an unreasonable adult; why would you do that to a child?
If you foster open communication with respect and love, do you really think a child will not appreciate that?
My landlady’s 3 year old is about the most intelligent little girl, and her parents really treat her like she is human.
They acknowledge her feelings, and hear her out. Now, she knows that when she does something wrong, it upsets or hurts her parents’ feelings, she has to stop, apologise, and not do it again.
She is still a child, so obviously she will forget much sooner, but she is aware hurting people’s feelings is not nice much as she does not like getting her own feelings hurt.
I once accidentally scratched her, and I said “I’m sorry baby”; and her response was “It’s okay, everyone makes mistakes,” and I damn near cried!
Her mother has told her that no boy should touch her ‘privates’ or demand to see them and she will report if anyone even peaks at her.
@_Dawned_

Most people ended up acknowledging the amount of disciplining options that exist before they resort to beating a child. Some accepted they will not beat their children if alternatives means of chastising are presented – and we are so grateful to psychology for the abundance of options!