Posted on November 13, 2016 by Ntha
Hey loves,
Happy new week. I have been quite busy trying to get my book “By the end of your teens” ready for printing and I have not had too much time to write.
When I started working on the book “Feminine Silence”, which is based on one of my first blog as linked in this here article – I realised that my views overtime remain consistent.
When I was thinking of the chapters to put down in this book, the first thing that came to mind was talking about Likeability. I remembered Chimamanda’s speech on the same, but I did not realise I had already done a blog post on the topic.
At 21, Chimamanda was my woman and life goals for several reasons – she speaks the very uncensored truth, which some of us do not even hold the courage to think.
I have grown quite a bit since then and I have defined what my own goals are going to be – but I still hold the highest respect for Chimamanda.
About two years ago, I used to have a lot of talks with the youth about paving their future. The most fun message for me to chat to teenage girls and boys when I have talks with them is simply – Love yourself. Accept yourself. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like. You do not need to be beautiful, sexy, softer, or even quieter, for the world to like you.
I spent a good part of my late teens trying to figure out how to make myself more likeable. I will quote my friend Pachalo, who recently said something like “If someone likes you, it means you appeal to certain aspects they approve of”.
Now I have nothing against being liked. I simply do not wish for the desire to be liked to be the reason I twist and bend myself to fit into peoples realms of approval. If I am going to be liked, i would rather be liked for being Nthanda – as I am, with my mess and my honor. I do not wish to be liked for pretending to be a version of me that is not my truest being.
The desire to be liked, is as Jeremy E. Sherman, Ph.D, would call it – the need for ego-strokes.
As human being, we have this almost-natural urge to be affirmed by others. Jeremy argues that all of us need our sense that we’re OK or more than OK.
But do we ever stop to assess the amount of affirmation we need to get by. Is there a way of minimizing this need to be affirmed – to be liked?
If you can loosen up on your desire to be affirmed – to have your ego stroked every so often, it would free you up for other pursuits, and there would be more strokes to go around to others who need them too.
Now you can check this article out on way to work on minimizing your need for affirmation.
Whatever it is that you do, do it for yourself. Do it to the best of your abilities and stay as true as you can to who you are.
The moment you truly love yourself, then you can comfortably be who you are and express yourself truest to your being.
“The world is such a wonderful, diverse, multi-faceted place
that there is going to be somebody that is going to like you.
You do not need to twist yourself into shapes.”
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Have moments questioning your subconscious;
“if the world and it’s validation did not exist, if it was just you in this world would you still do this?”
If the answer is yes, continue. If the answer is no, stop yourself! Be you.
Validation is but temporary. When it’s all said and done, all you will have is yourself and make sure you like that woman – and the people who really love you will still love you.
Now creating chapter 1, I thought let us really talk about this whole desire to be liked. I really love this quote by Chimamanda when she says:
“Forget about likability.
If you start thinking about being likable,
you’re not going to tell your story honestly
because you are going to be so concerned with not offending..”
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Growing up, there have been way too many moments where i have had to trade being liked, for expressing myself.
I acknowledge my purpose, and I do my best to stay in tune with the reason I am here. I deeply honor the fact that I will not live forever, and I would love to live as truthfully as possible.
I definitely know my teenage self struggled (a little too much) with the idea of not being liked.
I remember people back then coming to tell me that some people expressively declared how much they do not like em and it used to phase me a little bit. I have not done anything wrong to you besides being myself – and you want to decide that you do not like me.
“They do not like me, how will I live??!!”
At the time, I was also exploring my leadership skills. I know of a few times I have lost leadership opportunities because some people did not like me and lost me some privileges. Back then,. I let people hold that kind of power over me – the power to determine my destiny.
A few years later, I am settled in the fact that nobody has to like me. I have learnt to make my achieving very objective and independent of everyone’s influence. I do acknowledge my work in fact does depend on people liking it. i just choose to create content that demands an audience – as compared gto trying to sell a substandard idea to people, depending on my likability.
If it must come to down to choice, I will choose respect and a lot more things before I choose being liked.
As a leader, I have resorted to choosing to simply be someone that can deliver on my job.
You do not have to like me. I simply have to get the job done.
I love messages about self-love. Because perhaps the hardest thing to be is simply ‘yourself’ without a care for validation in a generation that deeply cares about being liked and accepted; – and accepting the option of making some people uncomfortable with the way you accept and love yourself and turning a deaf ear to the negativity.
Be yourself. Like yourself. Love yourself.
All my love,
Ntha
About the Author
